I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
