She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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