Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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