Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
