Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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