Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
