is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
