"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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