The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
