when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
