Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
