Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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