so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
