I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
