Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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