Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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