I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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