Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
