if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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