If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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