"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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