All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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