how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
