Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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