god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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