dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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