i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
