Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I want a musical about memes.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
