birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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