i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
How does it feel to date your dad?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
