We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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