I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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