she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
