my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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