Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
