Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
