everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
