Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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