after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
