Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
