Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
