i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
