I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
