john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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