I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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