All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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