i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
