Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
