I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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