if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
