oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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