So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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